I’m not a huge chocolate eater most of the time.  Despite that, I got a bag of Dove Promises chocolates a few years ago.  It wasn’t a particularly noteworthy experience except that I remember vaguely liking the things they said inside each wrapper.  Keep in mind that I had low expectations for the promises inside the Promises.  They were like slightly girly fortune cookie predictions.

Another bag of Dove Promises made its way into my life a few weeks ago.  They come in smaller serving sizes than most candy bar minis, so it was my attempt at making my unhealthy work snacks slightly healthier (compared to, say, full-sized Snickers bars from the vending machine).

What did I find in this second batch of Promises?  Stupid non-promise promises.  That’s right, it looks like Dove has farmed out their promises to customers instead of professional writers.  Here is yesterday’s gem, which is followed by the author’s first name and city of residence:

“Appreciate the people around you and share.”

What?  That’s not a promise, and it isn’t all that inspiring, either.  They could be Dove Statements, maybe.  Here’s another example:

“Women are like fine wine–they get better with age.”

Oh, now I feel better about myself.  Not only am I eating chocolate in my cubicle with zero natural light, you, the chocolate people, are trying to make me feel better about myself.  You’re trying to make me forget that I’m old and dusty (which I’m not, by the way).  Thanks, Dove.

The sad thing is that I can’t seem to look away.  I tried to just stop reading the promises, and it proved impossible.  It’s like a train wreck.  You know you’ll regret looking, and you can’t do a thing about it.  It looks like Dove took their own advice and decided not to think about it so much.  I should probably do the same.